hurm... i just realised that the last time i updated this blog was last year in late June 2007. it is now already early june of 2008. it means that it has been nearly a year since i last updated my blog!!! gosh... see how lazy i am!!! so here you go peeps.. some thoughts and updates bout me. not much but i will try to write something everyday. *crossed fingers*

firstly i would like to say BIG CONGRATES to my beloved babe, AYUNI SAFIRA & her husband, MANAN for the lovely wedding last month. may both of you have a good life ahead and blessed with all the happiness there is. i am sorry to miss the big day. i really wished i could be there but it is out of my power to decide. :-(

hurm... i cant believe that two of the jahanams are now married and one of them is soon to be a mommy. time really flies so fast. everybody is now talking about marriage or at least engagement. even people in my office are now talking about weddings and receptions. i guess i am now in the zone where talking about wanting to have a 'personal belongings' or 'having it for your own good self' is no longer applicable (to me at least). everything you wanna do, there is always 'we' following around. like there is no more mine but just ours. example, mega sale at SONY and 47" LCD is only E1999!!! who can resist? yess... people who are planning to get married (like me) because i cant buy it now. i want to buy it with my soon to be hubby when we already have a house to stay. or wait.. or mebe i cant buy it now because i am out of budget if i buy the TV. i have to have a good saving to get married and have a proper reception!! am i being paranoid? or am i cheap? i also dunno. i want to get married of course. but the thought of spending too much money just for one bloody day is really driving me nuts. so people can say, 'buat la sederhana je', then other people will say 'keje obersi pn kawen cincai'. i shouldnt care wat people think but i am a normal human being where the buzzing sound of flies always bug me so much. hurm... i really shouldn't write about marriage when i am in a hell of a PMS. hahhah..

anyway, we had a nice bbq party yesterday. just a small one and only 10 peoples were there. we had marinated chicken, beef, squid, sausages, burgers and caramelised banana. yummylicious!!!! i have transferred the pictures to my lappie and i really wish i can upload some pictures here but it is already 23:36 and i promised hunny that i will sleep now. i have to get up at 02:00 to study because i haven't started on anything yet.

owh... before i go to sleep, just wanna share few things i did today. i woke up at 11:00 (heh) and went out to meet hunny at Jervis. at first we decided to buy the gift for Afin at Debenhams but since we are going to Langkawi Restaurant at Upper Baggot St, we walked all the way from Jervis to the other side of the river to Brown Thomas and straight to Dior counter. i honestly cant think of any other thing to buy except for Dior Shine perfume which is the super duper perfume of the year (a bit of exaggeration there). i like the sweet yet sophisticated smell and i think it suits Afin very well. we bought the perfume and the body lotion as well and went to the restaurant straight away. the foods were superb and the best of all, i got to meet my favorite niece (soon to be insyaallah) Aleia Hannah. i really like the way she called me 'Ti Cha'. so cute and special. we finished around half nine and hunny sent me home before catching his bus at half ten.

so.. as a closing speech, i would like to wish a very very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Afin and hope you enjoy a very joyous life ever. nitey nite all!

eyp.. it has been too long since i last updated dis blog. dun feel like updating. but since im doing nuting today, guess shud post something to kill d time. cant express how i like TODAY coz im practically vegetating d whole day. yippee..!!! almost forgot how this feels. usually every weekend i got sumthg to do. but not today. not dis weekend. plan to enjoy every seconds to d max. refuse to do anything. anything at all. would luv to pamper myself these two days.

a lot of changes going on this year. yeah!! n more importntly im 24 now. (shucks!! cnt believe dat im this old). this yr's birth day was the best of all. thnks to zuen, amin, ct n ziet for the surprise cake n present. plg penting kepada itu incik yg saya telah merosakkan surprise yg dijangkakan akan berlaku. im so sorry dear for blowing d excitement. guess i dun haf d patience at all. sudahnye, sme bende tak jadi except for d flower part. seriously terharu sgt!! thx a million for all the efforts hunny. n thx u all for the wishes!! but out of 7 jahannams, only 3 wished me. how sad. to ayu, yus n atart.. thx babes!! really miss u guys.

went to london wif fairuz last weekend. it was a blast!! the shortest yet the best trip ever. i went straight to airport after work. we checked in at Norfolk Tower Hotel dat nite n started our journey d nxt day at 8.. first stop - of course the malaysia hall for the famous nasi lemak n teh tarik. mmg terbaik!!!!! n cheap as well. rase nak tapau teh tarik tp sgt tak releven. ahah.. then wif stomach full of nasi lemak, we hurried to the.. Madamme Tussauds. wowowowow.. loads of people waiting to go in. luckily we bought d online tix. dun haf to line up. amik2 gamba dgn segala artist (sengaja amik gamba dgn jamie oliver utk menjelesi zaza tp gamba blur plak. sigh~) n masuk the chamber of serial killers. gile la. nak tercabut jantung. actually it was not so scary. but because the serial killers are real people, i felt like fainting there n then. moreover, they screamed n ran towards you as if they really wanted to kill you. n the worst part was, we were the first in the line. so obviously the killers ran to us. cant help to close my eyes all the way thru the chamber. hahhahaha.. scaredy cat.

we finished at madame tussauds around half ten. then we went to london eye. before dat, amik2 gamba kat big ben. (cik ayu.. sile bgtau aku sape yg koyakkan big reen tu.. jgn buat2 lupe ye). london eye was boring. yawn~~ nuting interesting there but luckily there was an exhibition for star wars fan in front of the council hall. dan ade la seekor clone tu berlegar2 mencari publisiti. kami pn bergambar la dgn clone itu. sebbek tak jupe master yoda. kalu tak sudah ku peluk2 die. heheheh.. we didnt go in cause fairuz wanted to see the tower bridge. it was 1pm dat time n we haf to go to heathrow airport before 5 to settle the check-in n everything. terpakse la kami bergegas ke tube station terhampir. da la circle and district line tutup. sudahnye terpakse la turun di station london bridge n berjalan ke tower bridge.

lucky enuf, otw to tower bridge, there was a dancing competion held at tooley st. wowowowo.. sgt menarik sekali. kami duduk n menyaksikan pertandingan itu. bes gile!! tp tak tggu lama sbb mengejar mase. dun even wait for the prize giving ceremony. cpt2 kami ke tower bridge dan mengambil gamba lagik (ini kali kedua sy ke tower bridge so tak excited sgt amik gamba). then we hurried back to paddington station n took the heathrow express to the airport. alhamdulillah check in sme ok. baru nampak senyuman di muka fairuz selepas beg tak excess. eheheheh.. jgn marah fairus yeh? after dat i flew back to this everyday-is-rainy-day place. urghhh..

kesimpulannye, dalam 9 jam, kami berjaya pergi ke tmpt2 yg bersejarah itu. it is soooo worth it. balik2 ke dublin saje, ade surprise plak. huuuuuuu... i loike!!

ok lah. think dat's it for now. london is out of the list now. a colleague suggests me to go to prague. she said it is nice. erm.. haf to schedule for dat. ape2 pn. paris dulu. kepada magec, mane comfirmatn anda ni? mana? mana?

P/S: TO UNCLE HELMI.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG GUY. HAF A BLAST!! MAY GOD ALWAYS BLESS YOU..

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago.The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left hometogether and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, Men like you, oncesuccessful, will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knewI had betrayed my wife. But I couldn t help doing so.

I moved Dew s hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture, O.K.? I ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew s body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, whatwill you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her.I couldn t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I ve got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly.

She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? . I m serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!.

At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which statedthat she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and shedidn t want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, doyou still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember . You carried mein your arms , she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in yourarms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to thedoor, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don t tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dewbecame vaguer.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as,where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.

I didn t tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, All my dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it s time to carry mum out. He said.To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.Our son had gone to school. She said, Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn't notice that our lifewas lack of such intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I am serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, I ll carry you out every morning until we are old.

PS: TOT DIS IS A NICE STORY TO SHARE WITH EVERYONE. GOT THIS 3 YEARS BACK. TOUCHED!!

am going to stansted wif afiq today. our flight is at 9.55pm. it's a weekend trip and i'll be back on sunday. as usual, there's no sign of excitement from me. it's not dat im not happy to go... it's juz.. ME. in fact, this is not d first time. it has happened so many times. before i went to barcelona last time, i was not bother to pack or even think bout the trip. not until d nite before(mase tu baru gelabah sbb sme org da tanye). capai je ape yg patut n went straight to nanako chan's hse. and the trip was superb!! i luv it n hope to go there again someday. wat im trying to say is.. i juz dun like to imagine wat will happen n how is it going to happen. after plan kan usually we will feel so excited(high expectation). because the thing is, normally, things wont go the same as my imagination or plan. NEVER!! even kalu simple plan like 'lepas kelas, balik uma then lipat baju n tgk tv'. perkara sesimple itu pn jarang akan terjadi. in the middle of the road, there will always be something popping up n ruin the whole thing. perkara akan berubah kepada 'lepas kelas, balik uma, baju tak kering sbb terjatuh(tak ley lipat) n tak jadi tgk tv sbb homework byk gile'. so, i've decided not to plan anything or even imagining how thing is suppose to happen coz i know it will not happen. hahahah.. call me crazy but i do believe dat. at least i wont feel disappointed in anything.. just go wif the flow. eheemmm... *am i talking sense here??* tak tau apsal tulis entry caney. mungkin fikiran bercelaru. sgt bercelaru... p/s: nanako chan pn da bertanye kenape nak tulis camtu??belum publish lg da ade comment. :p

huuu.. enuf talking crap. terase diri ingin memakan sate kajang. keinginan yg sgt kuat. cempedak goreng pn diingini juge. mungkin mase lapang yg melampau telah mmbuat diri berpikir yg bukan2. mane nak carik cempedak? aduh.. dgn berpikir psl cempedak pn boley mmbuat air liur kecur sgt. gile sgt ni. hahahahaha..

miss to talk to everyone. 8 jahannam gurls, sukis, zaza, sue n tasya, gina, shafa n all. how r u babes doing? am feeling happy for zaza for the trip to korea. really wish i cud join... :((

k la. im off to d airport now. nanti bising plak pakcik afiq tu. muahahhaha..

hoh.. suda lama x b'blog'an. tade mud nak menaip plus so many things happened but dunno how to put it to words. hari ini sgt cemerlang sekali kerana bgn lebey awl dari selalu. wihuu!! sambil menanti 2 org puteri untuk bgn tido, ape slhnye m'updet blog yg tampak usang ni. hohohoho..

semalam bermimpi pelik. jarang nak ingat mimpi. tp anehnya semalam punye mimpi mmg diingati smpai skang.

• pelakon : YUS, ATART, RYN, MAS, AYU dan moi self (magec n pae barangkali bz di dalam mimpi org laen)

• ringkasan mimpi : sume org sedang memakan kueh mueh kegemaranku. karipap, lepat pisang, ubi ketuk dan diriku sendri memakan pisang goreng (meleleh air liur). tgh borak2 n gelak2 tetibe yus pegi buang kueh ubi ketuk tu. diriku spt tergamam! nape buang? walopn dlm mimpi tu diriku mmg da kenyang thp mati tp still rase tak puas ati nape buang kueh tu? dlm kepala cume terpikir 'ahhh..susah nye nak dpt kueh ubi ketuk kat sini'.. hati rase sgt keciwa tp didiamkan shj. kemudian tiba2 sume org berdiri n tersenyum smbl mas hulur seswatu dlm plastik seraya b'kata 'amik ni buat bekal. jgn sedey..' wooo.. dlm plastik tu ade karipap n lepat pisang. sgt terharu... kwn2..!!!!! terima kaseh. walopn cume di dlm mimpi. tp ttp rase disygi.

• kesimpulan : diriku sgt merindui kueh2 di malaysia. mengidam nak mkn sme2 kueh tu..uhuhuhuhuhuh.. :((

sekarang ini tgh dalam mud yg tidak begitu stabil. hari ini anda sudah mahu pulang. setelah 2 bulan kat sini. sudah biasa bermaen msg. lepas ni sunyi la rasanye. tp stiap pertemuan mmg ade perpisahan. kita jumpe di malaysia nanti. b'doa yg terbaek untuk anda. have a safe journey!! tenks for everything. gonna miss u. a lot!!

browsing thru frens' blogs dis morning. so touched wif kak nina's entry bout BONDA. sgt terharu hati membacanya. terus rindu kat mak sendiri.(hati sgt emotional) ikutkan hati mau pulang. tp kalu diikutkan hati, mati... *sigh*

suda 2 mggu menghabeskan mase ngn nanako chan. hati sgt gembira. tenks ye awk. tak terbalas budi awk. walopn smalam awk cube m'bunuh sha dgn fleece busuk. tp da set off dgn air halia penyelamat tu. nanti awk cube balas dendam dekat FD yg gelakkan sha sgt kuat smalam yeh. jgn sedey tak dpt big pony. walopn awk tak dpt beli ari tu, tp awk da dpt benda laen yg lagi besh. nanti2 kite g brown thomas g carik k? mane la tau ade pulak ke.. hehehehhe..

itu sahaja la untuk kali ini. perut berbunyi minta diisi. adiossss!!

tomorrow is d day. d day dat we've been waiting for all dis time. d day dat finally comes to end the suffers n tortures. it has been a rough time for me to get this far. many things had happened n i can tell it was not really exciting n pleasuring. na-ah. not for me. just wondering how 1 unimportant n insignificant person can do such a damage to others. can really annoyed us n can actually makes us feel like strangling dat particular person to death. dunno y i haf to bother tho. yet i still get annoyed n not feeling happy with it. wish i can haf all the strengths in the world to tell dat person to buzz off, grow up n get the hell out of moi life. the truth is....... WE ARE WELL TRAINED TO BE POLITE, COURTEOUS, WELL-MANNERED AS WELL AS GRACIOUS.n payback is not really the answer for everything. hurmm... life's so complicated aite? *sigh*

but still.. frens were there fer me. thx mucho for every supports, encouragements n comforts. especially to my everdearest roomie, lil sis, dangdut partner&her hsemate, muvi partner n also FD. cant thx u guys enuf... for brighten my days. am having much much better days now. with all the laughters, jokes etc2. thx again.. :))

called sukis just now. amboih.. lama tak borak2. wish can have one more chit-chat before sleep like last time. am missing all those things. where things werent as complicated as now. when there is no alien to breath down my neck. erkkkk....!!! STRESSSSSSSSSSSSS... btw, to sukis, hope u cn get a roomie asap. n surely am gonna pray dat u wont get a hsemate dat sucks. big time. comme moi.. va te faire foutre!!!

okie la. that's all for now. erm2.. to all babes..takpe la tak jadi g s'pore. tuhan tak bagi tu. sbb aku tade. muahahhahaa(joking k?) mebe next time. when im back.. ;)

two words..

FUCK OFF!!

damn